It was not fair bargain at a
point of time when a good-bye was all the need. But what about a man who has
worked knowing heart in heart to live a success in you. He does not delve down
the gene of your possession nor does own your success in material. The scrap, a
piece of paper thrown at your face; you deserve it. Yes, you deserve it not, he
means. The ugly picture in your mind and the perfect painting in his, there is
no match, no negotiation on sharing the guilt. Fourteen years down the line, I
remember it as fresh the morning sun in my window. Don’t confuse it with the
anger or revenge or hate- it is an apology between us which I could not speak
out and he lives with it for not hearing it with the silence and shame, I had.
Well that is my teacher who believed in me and I let him down, down to his
imagination of me.
Fourteen years mean me standing
up past midnight after exhaustive day and write a vow, a sigh to tell to him,
my indecisiveness and disinterest has finally ended in an extraordinary vacuum.
What would I know as a greatest pleasure in some time from here now, is what I
have been thinking all the time, not making a hero out of the shackles unbound
of time. Long years of silence, distraction and that small humiliating moment
of unimaginable magnitude to define me as a person, has now the rigor of
calling a fortune in the way of my being. Life is a lot beyond the being the
person and that autonomous part of life is really like a fuel to the rocket you
guide to space which never return- to undo the past. In this run, for past
years carrying that moment in my mind, I realised, it was one single decision
which tore apart the very foundation of laying your bare feet with uncertainty
to future. My heart melted for a weeping innocent soul in that moment of trial
and my mental faculties stopped responding perhaps they were not enough
developed at that time. I did the best I could; I cheated myself to let that
innocent soul be something s/he would not be otherwise. I lost opportunity of
being just while being kind. There on, I lived in this dilemma, all along to
finally settle for an answer which was anything as easy as I earned. From here,
looking through the clock in that distance of years, I again find myself
telling nothing but being the same person with silence and shame and a little
guilt. I still don’t have the words to change that person in me. What I have
learned is to fool him, in a moment, in a distance of any arrangement probably
with a more honed person.
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